Welcome. Let's start with the knot in your stomach
Here's a question for you. Is there a conversation you know you need to have at work, and you keep finding reasons to push it to next week?
If so, you're in good company. Nearly every new manager has one. Maybe a teammate keeps missing deadlines. Maybe someone's tone in meetings is putting people off. Or maybe it's someone who was your friend and desk neighbour three months ago, before you got the promotion.
This course is about those conversations. Before we get into how to handle them, we'll spend this first level on something simpler: why we dodge them, and what dodging really costs.
One quick note before we begin. We'll use a UK workplace setting throughout. Employment law is different in other countries, and everything here is general guidance, not legal advice.
Why do we put it off?
Let's be honest. Avoiding a hard conversation feels sensible at the time. Here are the reasons new managers give most often.
- Fear of conflict. You worry the other person will get upset, argue back or go quiet and sulk.
- Fear of getting it wrong. You've never done this before, so you worry you'll say the wrong thing and make it worse.
- Wanting to be liked. You'd like to be the friendly, easy-going boss, not the one who hands out bad news.
- Hoping it'll sort itself out. Maybe they'll notice. Maybe it was a one-off.
- "Now isn't the right time." They're busy, you're busy, there's a big deadline, it's nearly Christmas.
You're not alone in feeling unsure, either. Research for Acas, the UK's workplace advice service, found that newer and less experienced managers felt less confident about difficult conversations than managers who'd been doing it for longer. So the nerves are normal. They're part of being new.
The former-peer problem
Now, if you've been promoted to manage people who used to be your colleagues, there's an extra layer.
Last month you were all moaning about the boss together over lunch. Now you are the boss. Telling a friend their work isn't good enough can feel like a betrayal. You might worry they'll think you've "changed" or let the job go to your head.
So what happens? A lot of new managers go soft on old friends. They let things slide that they'd raise with anyone else. It feels kind. But think about how it looks to everyone else on the team. They notice. And they start to wonder if the rules apply to some people and not others.
What does waiting actually cost?
Here's the key idea of this lesson. Avoiding a conversation isn't neutral. It isn't free. You still pay. You just pay later, with interest.
Think of it like a small leak under your kitchen sink. Fixing it today takes ten minutes and a spanner. Ignore it for six months and you're replacing the cupboard, the floor and maybe the ceiling downstairs.
Work problems behave the same way. Let's walk through the costs.
The problem grows. One late report turns into a habit. A sharp comment turns into a pattern. The longer it goes on, the more "normal" it feels to the person doing it.
Trust drains away. The person can tell something's wrong, because people usually can. Nobody tells them what it is, so they guess, and they often guess worse than the truth. Then when you finally raise it, they ask, "Why didn't you tell me months ago?" It's a fair question, and it's hard to answer.
Resentment builds in the team. The colleagues who pick up the slack, or put up with the behaviour, get frustrated. Sometimes the frustration lands on the person. Often it lands on you, for doing nothing.
The later conversation is harder. This is the cruel twist. You put off the talk because it felt hard, and the waiting makes it harder. Now there's more to cover, more history and more emotion, and you've got your own silence to explain.
The costs show up at the level of whole organisations too. A 2021 report for Acas estimated that workplace conflict cost UK employers about £28.5 billion a year, which works out at more than £1,000 per employee. Around 9.7 million people experienced conflict at work, and roughly 485,000 resigned because of it. The same report found that when conflict spiralled into formal procedures, costs were more than three times higher than when it was resolved informally.
The Acas Code of Practice puts it simply: "A quiet word is often all that is required to resolve an issue." The catch is that a quiet word only works while the problem is still small.
Let's make it real: your turn
OK, now it's your turn. I'd like you to try something.
Think of one conversation you're avoiding right now. Got one? Now ask yourself three quick questions.
First, how long have I been putting this off? Second, what has happened since I first noticed it? Has it stayed the same, or got bigger? Third, who else is affected? The person, the team, me?
Here's an example. Priya manages Tom, her old work friend. Tom's been turning up 20 minutes late most mornings for six weeks. Priya hasn't said anything. In that time, two colleagues have started covering his phone calls, one has made a pointed joke about "Priya's favourite" and Tom has no idea it's a problem. Six weeks of waiting has cost her the team's sense of fairness, and it's left Tom in the dark.
Just naming the cost like this often gives you the push you need. We'll cover how to have the conversation in the next few levels.
Key takeaways
- Avoiding hard conversations is common, especially for new managers, and the nerves are normal.
- Common reasons include fear of conflict, fear of getting it wrong, wanting to be liked, hoping it'll fix itself and waiting for the "right time".
- Managing former peers adds pressure, and going easy on old friends looks unfair to the rest of the team.
- Avoidance isn't free: problems grow, trust drains, the team gets resentful and the eventual conversation gets harder.
- Problems caught early and handled informally cost far less than ones that escalate.
- Name one conversation you're avoiding and ask what waiting is costing.