Lesson 2: Preparing: Facts, Purpose, Outcome, Time and Place

Before You Say a Word

In the last level we looked at why so many of us dodge hard conversations. So here's some good news. A lot of that dread fades once you've prepared properly.

Think of a pilot doing pre-flight checks. They don't do them because they expect a crash. They do them so take-off feels routine. Your preparation does the same job for you.

We'll follow one simple order: facts, purpose, outcome, time and place. Let's work through it with a real-feeling example.

Meet Priya

Priya was promoted three months ago. She now manages the people she used to sit beside, and that includes her old lunch buddy, Tom.

Tom's weekly client report keeps arriving late. Priya knows she needs to talk to him. Her stomach drops every time she thinks about it.

So where does she start? With the facts.

Step 1: Facts, Not Feelings

Here's a question for you. Which of these could Priya actually take into the room?

• "Tom just doesn't care any more."
• "Sam told me Tom's been job hunting."
• "Tom's lazy since I got promoted."
• "The report is due Friday at 10am. On three of the last four Fridays it arrived the following Monday."

Only the last one. Let's see why.

The first is an assumption, because Priya is guessing what's in Tom's head. The second is hearsay: something passed on second-hand that she hasn't checked. The third is an opinion, a judgement, and it carries some hurt feelings with it.

The fourth is an observable fact. A camera could have recorded it. Tom can't sensibly argue with it, and it doesn't attack him as a person.

Here's a handy test. Ask yourself, "Could I show this to someone else, and would they see the same thing?" If the answer's yes, it's a fact. If not, put it to one side. Hearsay might be worth checking quietly, but it isn't evidence yet.

While you're gathering facts, have a quick look at your organisation's policies too. Acas, the UK's free workplace advice service, suggests managers establish the facts and check the relevant policies before they meet someone.

Step 2: A One-Line Purpose

Next, ask yourself: why am I having this conversation?

Try to answer in a single sentence. Priya writes:

"To make sure Tom knows the report has been late, and to agree how it gets in on time."

Why just one line? Because if you can't fit it in one sentence, you've probably got two or three conversations knotted together. And that's how a chat about a late report turns into an argument about everything since your promotion.

Stick to one purpose per conversation. You can always have the others later.

Step 3: A Realistic Desired Outcome

Now picture the end of the meeting. What does "good" look like?

This is where we often aim too high. "Tom apologises, thanks me, and never misses a deadline again" is a lovely daydream. It isn't a plan.

Priya's realistic outcome looks like this:

"We both understand what's getting in the way, and we've agreed one concrete next step, with a date to check in."

See the difference? A realistic outcome is something you can actually reach in one conversation. It doesn't depend on Tom feeling a certain way. You can't control his feelings, but you can work together towards an agreement.

Step 4: Time and Place

You could prepare perfectly and still sink the whole thing with bad timing. So let's talk about when and where.

Timing. Have the talk soon, while the facts are fresh, but never in the heat of the moment. Avoid Friday at 4:45pm, the hour before Tom's big client pitch, or the day before his holiday. Book enough time, say 30 minutes, so neither of you is watching the clock.

Setting. Keep it private. That means no open-plan desk, no office kitchen, and no glass meeting room in full view of the team. Find a quiet room with a closed door. If you can, sit at an angle or side by side instead of across a big desk. That feels less like a telling-off.

No ambush. Give Tom a calm, neutral heads-up so he isn't caught off guard:

"Hi Tom, could we grab 30 minutes on Tuesday at 10 in the small meeting room? I'd like to talk about the weekly report."

It's short, honest and not scary. It doesn't sound like a summons.

A quick UK note: Acas consulted in 2026 on a revised Code of Practice that puts more weight on settling concerns informally and early. At the time of writing it isn't in force yet. Employment law also differs outside the UK, so take this as general guidance, not legal advice.

Your Prep Checklist

Before any hard conversation, run through these:

1. Have I written down the observable facts, with dates and examples?
2. Have I set aside assumptions, hearsay and opinions?
3. Have I checked any relevant policies?
4. Can I state my purpose in one line?
5. Is my desired outcome realistic and within reach?
6. Have I picked a calm time with enough minutes booked?
7. Is the setting private, and have I given a neutral heads-up?

It takes ten minutes, and it can save you weeks of awkwardness.

Key Takeaways

• Prepare in order: facts, purpose, outcome, time and place.
• A fact is something anyone could observe. Assumptions, hearsay and opinions stay out of the room.
• Write your purpose in one line. If you can't, split it into separate conversations.
• Aim for an outcome you can actually reach, such as an agreed next step, rather than a change of heart.
• Choose a calm moment, book enough time, keep it private, and never ambush.